Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
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Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”