I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
You Might Also Like
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June