Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Natty or not?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Terribly Tuesday.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god