Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.