Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
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In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
i hate you platonically
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Breaking news:
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Yes, but it was never about money
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of