“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
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*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”