Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
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If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.