I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
This made me chuckle.