talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
You Might Also Like
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long