[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
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They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
*Inspirational Tweets*
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
jesus, what did this guy do
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
#damn
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes