Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
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[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
That took me a moment.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes