Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”