It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
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[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Breakfast for Stoners:
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.