*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.