Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
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i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
PHILOSOPHERS: We donāt know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yeaā
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If I was a vegetable Iād be asparagus. You donāt want to eat it because itās weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I donāt really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
āDonāt ask.ā
Oh. I wasnāt even listening.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you werenāt late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect itās been reporting back to Bezos
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
šš¾
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
The minute the pilot asked me for āa lilā help?ā spinning one of the planeās front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: Iām leaving you
Her: fine with me, Iāll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, iād let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
basketballās all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun