My god she’s good.
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn鈥檛 want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
CUTE CAT鈥硷笌
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
馃ぃ
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
You know…for fall…
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I鈥檓 driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?