Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
bought wrong eggs
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.