God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play