4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
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Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
based al yankovic
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.