SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
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If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.