Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
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found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!