sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I think they could have phrased this better
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work