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*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️