A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
courtroom exchange of the day
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
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