People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
You Might Also Like
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.