I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
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Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I’m about to risk it all
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
#winning