Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
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Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
(Musicians.)
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.