“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
who will stop them
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant