I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
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There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*