My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
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7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
moms in horror movies
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.