Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
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This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
From Facebook just now…
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?