*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
You Might Also Like
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
There is no “ea” in Tim.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”