“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
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Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.