friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
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[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.