Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
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My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”