i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
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Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”