My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
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[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college