Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
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[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought