My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
You Might Also Like
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Ken is short for chicken
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.