I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person