If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
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Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Personal question. #JustSaying
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.