i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
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Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.