I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
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what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess