I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
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If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings