There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
You Might Also Like
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.