9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
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Cake!!
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.