excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
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Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
dutch is not a serious language
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
why am I working on Labor Day
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Nothing to do, you say?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!