*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
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Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.