Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
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found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
awesome draft from months ago i just found
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.