There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
You Might Also Like
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Accurate